


as if by magic (thoughts of you are gone)

by hippopotamus



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, M/M, S1!Isak, theme park
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-06-03
Packaged: 2018-10-26 00:48:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 16,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10775994
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hippopotamus/pseuds/hippopotamus
Summary: Isak hates being the third wheel to his best friends, until that means he gets to sit next to a handsome stranger on a rollercoaster.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> apparently i have a thing for evak happening while isak is s1 isak?? this time the au does not involve even being a dickhead though, because i have grown as a person (have i? who knows)  
>   
> the corkscrew was the name of a loopy loopy rollercoaster in alton towers. the ride closed in 2008 (cannot genuinely believe i was under 11 years old when i went on it, but there you go) but it was siiiiiiiik, anyway this fic just uses the rollercoaster, the actual setting of the fic is probably an unspecified theme park, somewhere in norway, that is, assuming that norway has theme parks(???). i’ve only been to norway once and that was eleven years ago and i’m p sure i only saw a ski slope and some trolls and then went home. fun times. no theme parks. wasn’t an objective view of norway, as far as I’m aware.  
>   
> exercise caution reading this fic if u have emetophobia!! it doesn't actually happen but it nearly does, if youre sensitive to that pls be careful!!  
> other than that, enjoy!!

Isak _hates_ being the third wheel. He hates it, and he doesn’t even know why he agreed to come to the theme park with Eva and Jonas anyway. They are being _ridiculously_ couple-y, hands staying locked into each others’ the whole day, and sharing food and kisses. Honestly, Isak kind of wants to throw up, and not just because he wishes he were Eva right now.

He finds himself almost wishing that Elias were here, just to distract him from the torture of walking three paces behind his two friends looking all loved-up and _happy._ When did Isak get this cynical? Probably when his best friend, (who also happens to more recently be his crush) got a girlfriend.

And now they’re in a queue for “the corkscrew,” a ride where there’s only space for two people in each section. Guess who’s going to have to sit alone.

They queue for twenty minutes, Eva and Jonas grinning sickeningly at each other and sharing an ice cream, and Isak eating his own ice cream while he leans against the fence, sighing loudly every time his friends’ attention is directed elsewhere than him (which is all the time. He sighs a lot in those twenty minutes.)

When they finally get to the ride, Isak sits behind Eva and Jonas, who at least both turn around in their seats to grin at him cheekily. He grins back, hoping they don’t see that it’s slightly forced.

He turns to look back at the queue and with a glance, he notices what’s about to happen. The ride attendant is opening the gate to the “single riders” queue, and before he can even stop to consider which loser he could end up sat next to, he’s presented instead with an angel. Or at least, that’s the logical conclusion he comes to, right before his brain short circuits because the angel is sitting next to him, and grinning at him, and he should not be reacting like this, but _holy shit_.

He thinks he manages a tentative smile back, but in all honestly he could have lost all control of his face and he would be none the wiser.

When the angel laughs lightly (what was he laughing at? _What was he laughing at?_ ) and flicks his eyebrows up, Isak decides it’s high time to redirect his gaze. He stares straight ahead, eyes fixed on Jonas in front of him, silently pleading him to _turn around and distract me, please, I’ll give you anything_ , but thankfully he gets another distraction in the form of the ride attendant warning them to keep their arms and legs in the carriage at all times, while two people walk down either side of the ride, checking that all the harnesses and such are correctly on, so that no-one will die (except Isak, of embarrassment, because _holy shit_ the angel next to him is beautiful and he kind of wants to curl in on himself because he doesn’t know what he’s done but he’s definitely humiliated himself just now.)

And then the ride starts to move.

And Isak had somehow forgotten that he _hates_ rollercoasters. He hates that they go fast, and they jerk your body around in every which direction, and he hates being so high up just before a rapid drop, and he hates hearing people screaming in his ears, and it’s his _worst_ _nightmare_ when they go upside down, and this one does it _twice_ , in quick succession, _are you kidding_?

He thinks he might throw up. In front of the angel. Wouldn’t that be a way for his life to end?

The ride, after what seems like years, comes to an end, and he doesn’t look at the angel, nor does he wait for Eva and Jonas before he stumbles down the exit ramp, and leans against a wall, breathing heavily.

“Jesus, Isak,” Jonas says a few seconds later as he and Eva find him. “Are you alright?”

Isak nods mutely, and Jonas looks a little uncomfortable before he speaks again.

“Listen, man, we just want to go and buy our picture, can you wait here for us? Will you be okay?”

Isak nods again, slightly bitterly this time, but doesn’t speak because he worries that if he opens his mouth something other than words might come out.

“Alright, we’ll be back in five, okay?”

Jonas doesn’t wait for an answer before he’s allowing himself to be pulled away by Eva, with a “come on, or they’ll delete our photo!”

Isak wipes a hand over his face, trying to get his breathing under control.

“You okay?”

That voice doesn’t belong to Eva or Jonas, which is concerning. Isak looks up to see the angel, and kind of wants the ground to swallow him up.

He nods hastily and mutters. “Fine, yeah, don’t worry.”

The angel (Isak should probably stop calling him that) huffs a laugh and moves to lean against the wall next to Isak. “Scared of rollercoasters?” He doesn’t sound like he’s being cruel, but Isak is immediately defensive.

“No,” he says too quickly, and the boy nods, clearly not believing him.

“Where are your friends? Shouldn’t they be looking after you?”

Isak snorts derisively. “They’re getting their photo.” It takes him a while to catch up to the last question the boy had asked, but when he finally does, he’s indignant. “I don’t need looking after! I’m fine!”

“Okay,” the boy gives him a blinding smile. “I’m Even, by the way. What’s your name?”

“Isak.”

“Isak,” Even repeats, slowly, waiting a few seconds before speaking again. “Well, Isak, since we’ve both been ditched by our friends, how would you feel about getting an ice cream with me?”

Isak has to wait a few seconds, eyes fixed firmly on Even’s face, before he can process 1) Even asked him to get ice cream with him, and 2) he doesn’t look like he’s joking.

Isak grins when he realises this, and nods. “Okay.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhm,” Isak nods again, “sounds good. Just let me, uh, text my friends.”

Even nods and smiles as Isak pulls out his phone.

 _Just bumped into an old friend. Catch up with you guys later :)_ he sends to Jonas, and then smiles nervously up at Even. “Okay, let’s go.”

*

They end up in a typical overpriced theme park café, but for once Isak doesn’t need to care about money, because Even buys the ice cream for him. (He tries not to think too much about why he does it. Stopping his brain from going into overdrive is high on Isak’s List Of Priorities right now, along with “Make Polite Conversation”, and “Kiss Even.” Wait. No. That’s not on the list. Forget he said that.)

Talking to Even is easy, though. Easier than Isak could have hoped. They talk about everything from music to cheese toasties, from films to where they go to school (Isak tries not to feel too young when Even reveals he’s about to start 3rd year at Bakka, whereas Isak is only just about to start 1st at Nissen), and when Isak realises this means that Even is from Oslo too, he tries not to let the annoying flicker of hope for something more settle in his chest (it does anyway.)

Their time runs out all too fast, as Even glances up at the clock on the wall behind Isak and notices that the theme park is going to close soon.

“Well, it was really great to meet you, Isak. I’m glad you’re feeling better,” he hesitates, looking a bit disappointed to have to say “I need to go find the friends I came with now, though.”

Isak nods, trying not to let his disappointment show, and says with a hopeful smile “Maybe I’ll see you around Oslo?” at the same time as Even says “Can I get your number?”

Isak’s small smile turns into a grin as he nods mutely, and the grin is returned by Even, who hands Isak his phone for him to put his number into.

“I really, really hope I’ll see you again,” Even confesses quietly, and for a moment, Isak thinks he might kiss him, but realises that’s wishful thinking as Even turns, with one last blinding smile at Isak, and leaves.

Isak watches Even walk away, a stupid grin spreading across his face, and then he turns back, realising he should probably find the friends he came here with and assure them that no, he isn’t dead. Just sick of their shit and hanging out with someone more attractive. But now that the someone attractive has left, yeah, he should find his friends.

He lets his mind linger on Even for a couple more minutes first, though.

_Jonas who?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i could continue this. idk how but i could. like maybe i could turn it into a texting fic. love me some texting fics. or i could just generically continue. please let me know if i should/how i should!! i have a few ideas but dunno if itd be any good  
> also, any feedback is appreciated. i live off validation. :D  
> 


	2. submerging from your world and back into my bliss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sooooooo  
> i got a lot of mixed responses about what people wanted on the last chapter, some people were like "yas texting fic!" and some people were like "no fucken way dude"  
> so this isnt really a texting fic??? but there is a lot of texting in it  
> can't please everyone i guess  
> hope you enjoy anyway! sorry it took a while, had to do a lot of thinking in light of recent events bc mikael is in this fic. i'm the first to put my hands up and say that i reacted too quickly on friday night, and now its settled down i realise that i judged mikael too fast, and i don't now think he's a bad person. in terms of this au, he definitely isn't one, most of the stuff with him i'm planning on explaining more in later chapters but i promise you he's a good dude, both in this fic and in canon  
> and on we go with the chapter! sorry if the formatting sucks or if some of the pictures don't show up. formattings a bitch. i'm really trying here

So, it turns out getting over Jonas isn’t as easy as just meeting a cute boy in a theme park. As soon as he reunites with Eva and Jonas, he’s jealous again. Maybe now that’s more to do with feeling left out than anything, but still. It sucks.

He’s still thinking about Even, though, and a dopey smile spreads across his face every time he thinks of the angel that bought him an ice cream and listened to him talk for hours.

Jonas and Eva, thankfully, don’t point it out. They’re still too caught up in each other too notice a thing about him. Not that he’s bitter, or anything.

They’re on the train home when Isak receives a text from Even.

_Hey, thanks for hanging out with me today, I had such a great time_

_Oh, it’s Even, by the way :D_

Isak smiles down at the phone in his hand for a few minutes before realising that he needs to reply, Even will know he’s read it and if it were Isak, he’d be freaking out (Even is a lot cooler than him, though. He probably doesn’t care.)

 _hi Even_ , he starts, and then deletes it. That sounds stupid _. hey, me too, we should do this again sometime_. He deletes that too. Why is it so difficult to send a simple text?

_yeah, i had a good time too. thanks for the ice cream!_

That sounds like the cringiest text ever. Isak hates himself when he sends it, and as soon as he does, at least five better options for what he could have sent pop into his head. He groans, puts his head in his hands, and desperately tries to remind himself _well, at least you didn’t accidentally send a winky face or something._ That thought turns into him actually having to check that he didn’t accidentally send a winky face (which, no, he didn’t). But he does see something else when he checks his phone – the typing bubble has appeared. Isak tries his hardest not to explode.

 _Any time!_ appears, and then another bubble.

_I’d love to meet up again, if you’d like that?_

“What are you grinning at, Isakyaki?” Eva asks from the seat opposite him, and Isak’s smile fades. Trust her to choose _now_ to look away from her boyfriend.

“Uh, nothing,” he replies quickly, sending _i’d like that :D_ to Even and then putting his phone in his pocket before he can overthink the text he’s just sent.

Eva gives him a knowing grin, to which Isak answers with a confused face.

**Monday (21:16)**

(17:11) _When are you free?_

(21:08) _i don’t know_

_i start nissen tomorrow so_

_Tomorrow?_

_That sucks. I’m still on holiday until next week._

_good for you_

__

_Nervous?_

_why would I be nervous_

_New school, new lessons, new friends… Scary stuff_

_yeah for a wimp like you maybe_

_i don’t scare easily_

_Do i need to remind you which of us it was that nearly threw up after a rollercoaster?_

_i don’t know what you’re talking about_

_Of course you don’t_

__

__

_You know, it’s not too late for you to switch to Bakka_

_Then you’d have an extra week of holiday :D_

_not all of us want to be weird hipsters who smoke weed all day_

_No, some of us would rather be theatre nerds._

_i’m not going near the drama class thanks_

_Then why go to Nissen?_

_why go to bakka?_

_Because I’m a weird hipster who smokes weed all day_

_You could be one too_

_You know it’s tempting_

_is it though_

_You could see me again_

_I’d like that_

_haha yeah_

_its too late for me to switch though_

_:(_

_We’ll meet another time though_

_yeah_

_i’d like that_

 

Isak looks down at the phone in his hand, smiling. He’s only just got back home from going out for dinner with Jonas and Eva, and now finally he can relax, lie on his bed and text Even, without getting suspicious looks from his friends.

He wonders if Even is grinning at his phone the same way Isak is right now.

It’s quite concerning how fast he’s fallen in a single day. Not even that, in fact. One conversation and a few texts shouldn’t be enough to fall for someone.

He thinks back to the events of earlier and grins to himself.

_“I can’t believe you chose strawberry ice cream when there’s cookie dough right there!”_

_“You said I could choose any flavour!”_

_“But you could have at least chosen a good one.”_

_“I did choose a good one. You chose a bad one.”_

_Even’s face took on the most exaggeratedly offended look Isak had ever seen. “Cookie dough? Bad? Have you even tried it?”_

_Isak shrugged, trying to act cool, but when Even’s eyebrows shot up in disbelief, Isak realised he’d failed._

_“No way! You haven’t?”_

_“I have!” Isak tried to pull it back. “It tastes fine.”_

_“It doesn’t sound like you have,” Even said, shaking his head, but still grinning. “Here,” he held out his bowl for Isak to take some._

_Isak raised his eyebrows, but made no move to taste the ice cream._

_“Come on, try it!” Even shook the bowl a little. “Are you scared that you’ll like it? Scared that I’ll be right?”_

_Isak exaggerated a sigh and took a spoonful. And, okay, it_ was _delicious. But he wasn’t about to admit that. Instead he gave another shrug and went back to eating his own ice cream, which, to his annoyance, didn’t taste as good after Even’s._

_Even had grinned at him throughout this, and in retaliation, Isak scowled at him, which only served to make Even’s grin even wider._

_“You loved it.”_

_Isak couldn’t help but to grin back at him._

Isak remembers all of this in vivid detail, the ease he had felt talking to Even, the calm he felt when he smiled, the overwhelming urge he got to kiss the ice cream on his lips away.

He’s kind of bitter that he didn’t act on that urge, to be honest.

And now Even’s saying he wants to see him again. In Oslo. It only occurs to him now that people might see, and that thought is terrifying.

And then it occurs that Even might just have meant the whole thing as friends, because, why wouldn’t he? Suddenly the events of today play out differently in Isak’s head, he analyses every touch, every smile, everything that’s come from Even. Why would he have meant it like _that_? Isak’s probably an idiot.

“ _how to tell if a guy is flirting with you_ ” he types desperately into google, but all the results that come back are about girls. And it seems a bit counterproductive to click those links, because he’s not a girl, and flirting is probably different with guys, right? Not that he would know, he doesn’t have any experience with flirting, because this whole thing is new, and terrifying, and that’s why he’s second guessing everything that he’d thought earlier.

He decides instead to google “ _how do guys flirt with other guys_ ” and scrolls down a bit before he comes across a thread from emptyclosets. That seems appropriate.

“ _Some guys will do things you assume is flirting, but to them they're just being friendly_ ”

Isak lets out a sigh. Obviously, that’s how it is.

He can’t help the little voice in his head that says _but what if it isn’t?_

*

**Tuesday (12:34)**

_So, theatre nerd, how’s your first day?_

__

_That bad?_

_did i tell you yesterday that i was third wheeling two friends?_

_You mentioned something about it yeah_

_well theyre back at it_

_and i don’t know anyone else here_

_You’d better start making new friends quick_

_Or maybe you could just switch to Bakka_

__

_whats so good about bakka anyway?_

[ _https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Il8EViNJo20_ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Il8EViNJo20)

_This_

_…_

_wow ok_

 

Isak doesn’t mean to watch the video several times. He doesn’t mean to smile at Even’s smile, or fall for Even’s laugh. He doesn’t mean to file everything he could learn from the video away in his mind, things like Even’s full name ( _Even Bech Næsheim_. It suits him) or the name of his best friend, or the fact that his favourite director is Baz Luhrmann (it takes Isak one google search to ascertain that yes, he did direct Romeo and Juliet, and Moulin Rouge, and all of the other films Even wouldn’t shut up about at the theme park, not that Isak wanted him to.)

Isak definitely doesn’t mean to overthink everything about the video

Despite that, he’s come to seven different conclusions by the time he arrives at his next lesson a few minutes later:

  1. Even is just weird.
  2. Even and Mikael are dating.
  3. Even is straight and likes to make fun of gay people. The whole video was a joke.
  4. Even is straight but is trying to show his support for gay people, for some reason.
  5. Even is not straight, and could genuinely be interested in Isak.
  6. Isak should do his best to stay far away from any and all Bakka students, however attractive they are.
  7. This video has nothing to do with anything and Isak is overthinking it.



Number five is, unfortunately, the one that Isak’s mind keeps forcing him back to. He tries his best to stay away from that idea, and makes himself focus instead on “you always have to include a hot chick” because that sentence makes it easier to realise that Even is probably straight, even if he’s having trouble convincing himself entirely.

(12:53) _i think i’ll stick with nissen_

_Only because you can’t appreciate epic love stories_

_What did you say your favourite film was again? Avengers?_

_Disgraceful. Don’t know why I’m still talking to you._

_better than romeo and juliert_

_If you’re going to talk shit about the greatest film ever_

_Which you should never do_

_At least spell the name right_

_it was a typo_

_jees_

_You’re not forgiven._

_oh well_

_But I’ll forgive you if you watch Romeo and Juliet with me_

_guess you’ll just never forgive me then_

_Oh no I will_

_You’ll watch it with me_

_I’m very persuasive_

_lesson’s starting. gotta go._

 

Isak isn’t exactly lying about this. His lesson _is_ starting, but that isn’t what makes him put his phone away and stop the conversation before it can go any further.

Isak can’t meet up with Even.

The theme park had been a different world. Isak hadn’t thought of consequences, too caught up in the attention of an attractive boy, but now, he’s back in the real world, and meeting up with Even is too scary to even consider.

He doesn’t want to stop texting him altogether though. He’ll text him as long as they stay away from the subject of meeting up.

And he’d like to think that he might get a chance to escape back to that other world sometime.

*

**Tuesday (18:17)**

__

_This you?_

_hahaa, probably_

_Good day?_

_you already asked that earlier_

_Well i’m asking again_

_Is that not allowed?_

_i’ll think about it_

_Let me know when you know_

_ok i’ve thought about it_

_my day was okay_

_how was yours_

_Small talk. Love it._

_My day was boring_

_No theme parks, no ice cream, no you_

_Definitely a downgrade from yesterday._

_But at least it wasn’t school_

_ok even, we get it, you have an extra week of holiday._

_Who’s we?_

_Do you have a secret twin i don’t know about_

_Or triplet O.o_

_you are without a doubt the most ridiculous human being i’ve ever spoken too_

_I’ll take that as a compliment!_

_dont_

_I’ll take it as one if I want to_

_you would be wrong about it though_

_Nah, I don’t think I would_

 

Isak browses the internet mindlessly, thinking back on the day. As first days go, it could have been a lot worse, he thinks. He could have, who knows, turned up naked, or something, although he’s never had a dream like that, and doesn’t really understand why people talk about them so much. Why would he dream about showing up somewhere naked? Unless it was -

 _Stop right there_ , he orders himself.

He thinks back to the texts he received from Even earlier, how ridiculously much they made him smile and laugh, and then the video. _Oh_ , he thinks, _the video_.

He knows Even’s full name now. _Even Bech Næsheim_. It doesn’t take long for him to open facebook and type it into the searchbar.

He finds him straight away, _Even Bech Næsheim, student at Elvebakken school_. The profile picture isn’t of Even, and for a moment Isak thinks he’s clicked on the wrong profile, but after a closer look at it, he realises he definitely hasn’t.

Isak reads the comments on the picture, laughing to himself at Even’s friends reactions.

 **Mikael Øverlie Boukhal** what is it with you and baz luhrmann?

 **Adam Malik** can’t you just have your face in your pp like normal people?

 **Elias Bakkoush** Adam, it’s better this way, none of us have to look at his face

**Elias Bakkoush**

**Yousef Acar** it’s not even than great of a film

 **Mutasim Tatouti** young leo, tho 

**Even Bech N** **æsheim** mutta is my only real friend

 **Mutasim Tatouti** :D

Isak hovers the mouse over “Add as friend” for a few seconds, biting his lip in thought. Would it come off as weird? Too forward? Will Even want to add him on facebook? Should he take the chance?

He doesn’t. As usual.

*

**Wednesday (14:36)**

_My friend’s sister just started at Nissen_

_You should be friends with her_

_She’s pretty awesome_

_She’s called Sana Bakkoush_

_is she a theatre nerd_

_I highly doubt it_

_This is her_

__

_oh she’s in my bio class_

_she seems cool_

 

**Friday (12:49)**

He doesn’t get a chance to speak with Sana until she sits next to him in biology on Friday. He gives an uncertain smile in response to her piercing look, and then she speaks.

“You’re Isak?” Isak nods. “Apparently we have to be friends,” she says sharply, rolling her eyes a little. “This wasn’t my idea. I owe my brother a favour,” she explains, pursing her lips and looking thoroughly unimpressed to be sitting next to Isak.

Isak raises his eyebrows. “So,” he says slowly, trying to understand, “Even told your brother to make you be friends with me?”

“Clearly,” she replies as if that’s obvious, and maybe it is. Isak might not have known him for long, but this seems like _exactly_ the sort of thing that Even would do. “Are you good at biology? Because I don’t care what Elias says, if you’re one of those assholes who slacks off, I’m sitting somewhere else.”

Isak is _great_ at biology. It’s one of the few things he’s proud of about himself, his smartness, the way he excels in school, especially in science. “I, uh, I got a 6 last year, so…” he tails off, unsure as to why Sana’s making him so nervous to admit to this.

Sana gives him a tight smile. “Good!” She pauses, then, after it seems like she remembers she hadn’t introduced herself, she adds “I’m Sana.”

Isak nods. “I know.”

Sana returns his nod, and Isak gives her a confused smile as he takes out his phone to text Even.

_thanks for being a little too invested in my friendships_

_Sana is really something_

_She’s great_

_Just wait until you’re actually friends_

_You don’t need to be scared of her_

_i’m not scared of her!_

_but she’s giving me evils for texting you in class_

_snakkes :)_

_You’re scared of her_

_But have fun in your lesson_

_Are you free this weekend?_

(14:02) _i am not scared of her!_

 

Even, thankfully, doesn’t seem to notice, or just doesn’t point out Isak avoiding “ _are you free this weekend?_ ” Still, Isak is half expecting his phone to buzz again with Even repeating his question.

The school day is over now, and Isak is just waiting for Jonas to meet him, and then they’re going to get kebab or something. Isak wonders if he might say something to his best friend. Not everything, not yet, because he’s not completely over his feelings towards Jonas yet, and that could easily lead to an awkward conversation. But Jonas has always been great at advice, so maybe there’s someway he can ask for it without revealing everything. Isak considers this while he waits.

Jonas walks out of the school, though, and he’s not alone. He’s with his friend Elias (who, thankfully, is not the same Elias that is Even's friend), and the two of them approach Isak with huge grins, Elias’ face lighting up with something cruel as his eyes fall on Isak.

It’s not that Isak really _hates_ Elias, per say. He’s one of Jonas’ good friends, and he always gives them weed, or at least deals to them at a decent price, which is pretty good of him. He seems to see Jonas as a little brother, of sorts, but Isak as something annoying that’s always tagging along, unwanted.

Isak is fairly sure they both only put up with each other because of Jonas.

“I think we’re going to the skate park, bro,” Jonas says when they’re close enough to speak.

“I don’t have my board,” says Isak, trying not to show his annoyance that Jonas has brought Elias to hang out with them, when it was supposed to be just him and Jonas.

“You never skate anyway,” Elias retorts, sniggering. “Doubt you even know how.”

Isak raises an eyebrow at him, unimpressed, hoping beyond hope that Jonas for once might defend him.

“He’s kidding, Issy, have some humour,” is all that his best friend says.

Since Isak has met Even, it’s a lot easier to realise how shitty Jonas can be sometimes. He doesn’t know he ignored this before, the fact that Jonas becomes a new person around Elias, all in the hopes of getting cheap weed. Speaking of-

“He’s got some good shit with him today,” Jonas explains, grinning at Isak like he expects him to be thrilled. “We aren’t gonna skate much.”

Isak nods. “Cool.”

He trails behind them as they walk to the skatepark, dragging his feet slightly, as they talk animatedly in front of him, acting as if he’s not there at all.

It only goes downhill from there. They sit on the bench at the edge of the skate park, after Jonas has done a couple of tricks on his board, and Elias lights the joint he has, passing it to Jonas after he’s taken a few drags. Isak is left out, on the edge of the conversation, as usual he’s the last to get to smoke, and he kind of wishes he had something to text Even about, just so he’d stop feeling so bored, just so maybe he’d feel like for once, someone would focus on _him._

It’s as if Even reads his mind, from wherever he is.

 

(15:23)

__

_Bakka students :D_

_nissen students too apparently_

_you sending that right now is kinda scary_

_Isak whatever-your-last-name-is!_

_Why aren’t you at bakka then?_

_i mean_

_you guys don’t have the monopoly on smoking weed, you know that right?_

_Lies! Lies and slander!_

_I can’t believe you would say something like that_

_did i tell you that youre ridiculous?_

_You might have mentioned it._

_I still think it’s a good thing_

 

Isak can’t help but grin down at the phone in his hand, but this leads to him jumping violently when Jonas asks “What are you grinning at?”

At least he isn’t ignoring Isak’s existence, Isak thinks bitterly, as he replies with a hasty “Nothing!” to which Jonas raises his eyebrows and lets out a huff of disbelief.

And then Elias speaks up. And Isak isn’t sure what exactly he said or did to warrant the response that Elias gives, but nonetheless, he says it, loud and cruel and painful.

“God, do you always have to be so _gay_?”

And Isak remembers everything about himself that shouldn’t be the way it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading!! hope you enjoyed and its not too crap and stuff and all the formatting works  
> if theres texts that ddont make sensse its probs cos they should have a photo next to them and the photo didnt work  
> anyway feedback is much appreciated!! gives me more motivation to write more and stuff  
> and find me on [tumblr!](http://pansexualmahdidisi.tumblr.com)  
> love always xxx


	3. in this smoky universe, my mind keeps playing tricks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much to the bestest human ever, [isi](http://isisisak.tumblr.com) for being so supportive aand encouraging and gr9 throuhghout my writing of this
> 
> some things that i wanted to clarify about this au:  
> 1\. I love jonas. I do not love anyone more than i love jonas. He is a dick in s1 and i had to write that bc conflict reasons but I LOVE JONAS do not doubt that. He will grow and learn and stuff.  
> 2\. Mikael is gr9. I don’t personally think that’s specific to this ‘verse but in the event that we find out he’s not gr9 you’re just gonna have to pretend  
> 3\. Sonja just,,,, doesn’t exist  
> 3b. neither does Isak’s mum, or kind of. she exists, probably, but her mi does not, or maybe it does. she’s not mentioned in this fic anyway. its open to interpretation i guess.  
> 4\. Even has two mums bc i can’t let that go (and he has 0 internalised homophobia bc i can’t stand him ever being sad ever ITS AN AU OK LET ME LIVE) 
> 
> also dissclaimer: i have not seen all of the films that i mention in this chapter.... i just kind of.... mentiond them anyway....deal with it?
> 
> okay with that out the way, enjoy!!

**Friday (18:17)**

On days like these, Isak is a big fan of staring at the ceiling.

He got back from the skatepark an hour ago, refusing Jonas’ offer of going back to his to play FIFA, because he needs to think.

He loves Jonas. Disregarding the fact that Isak had a crush on him (although he doesn’t know where he stands with that now) he’s always been a fantastic friend and a great guy, but around Elias, he just…  _ isn’t _ . 

Isak gets it, he supposes. Elias is a third year, older and cooler than Isak is, and it makes sense that Jonato seem that way too, by agreeing with everything he says and copying everything he does. It’s just that he doesn’t seem to realise that doing that comes at the expense of Isak.

Maybe he should just tell him. Make him realise he’s being a dick, but what if Jonas sees through it? Sees what he is?

Would he still be Isak’s best friend if he knew? Would he be his friend at all?

Isak rolls over onto his stomach and groans loudly in frustration, slamming his head down into the pillow.

It had been so easy to forget around Even, that this was something that he shouldn’t be feeling. The crash of reality that had come with returning home that day was horrible, and he’s still feeling it. 

Maybe he should just lose himself in memories of that day. Forget where he is and just think about the peace he’d felt in that other world. That world that was inside this one, but so distant. 

_ “What’s your favourite film?” _

_ “I don’t know,” Isak answered. The question seemed to come out of nowhere, born from the stretching silence between them in the cafe, which wasn't uncomfortable to Isak, because it gave him an excuse to just  _ look _ , but hearing Even talk was nice too. Isak liked his voice. _

_ “You don’t know?” Even questioned, seeming a little surprised. “Nothing you’ve seen recently, or anything?” _

_ “Uh,” Isak paused, searching around in his mind for a film, any film, that he’d seen recently. He doesn’t watch all that many films, to be honest. Mostly he just plays video games, or watches Narcos, or whatever else it is that Jonas does that Isak follows along with. “Uh, Avengers?” Isak tried, because he’d watched it with Jonas and Eva and a couple of their other friends a few weeks before. Eva had been very vocal about only really caring about watching Thor’s scenes, and while Isak had enjoyed the film well enough, he could definitely see where she was coming from. _

_ “Avengers?” Even raised his eyebrows, and shook his head slightly. “Typical uncultured teenager.” _

_ “You’re also a teenager,” Isak pointed out with a lopsided smile. _

_ “The emphasis was on uncultured, though,” Even reasoned, “you’re uncultured “ _

_ “What’s your favourite film, then?” _

_ “ _ Romeo and Juliet _. The 1996 version. Or maybe  _ Moulin Rouge _. Or  _ Pretty Woman _. I don’t know, i can’t choose just one.” _

_ Isak didn’t really know what to answer to this. He didn’t recognise any of those films (or, he’d heard of romeo and juliet, at least, but not the other two) He just looked at Even, a half smile on his face as he said “you like films, then?” _

_ Even’s whole face lit up as he nodded vigorously.  _

_ “Why?” Isak tilted his head, intrigued to see what was inside Even’s mind.  _

_ Even breathed in slowly, looking to the side and lost in thought for a moment, before he spoke. “Escapism, i guess. You get to experience a story that isn’t your own…” _

Even had talked for a lot longer about why he loved films, and Isak had loved listening to his voice, his plans to study film at uni when he goes, but that’s not what Isak’s focussing on right now

Escapism, that’s what he needs.

He opens his laptop and googles Romeo and Juliet, the first one that comes to mind. 

He finds a stream of the 1996 version, and watches, without stopping, until he reaches the end. Oddly enough, he’s kind of crying afterwards. He didn’t think he was that sort of person. 

He looks at his phone for the first time since he returned from the skate park, and tries to kid himself that he’s not disappointed that Even hasnt texted. He does have a message from Eva, though. 

_ Isakyaki!! coffee tomorrow? _

_ sure :) _

She’ll probably want to talk to him about Ingrid and Sara, he thinks, seek his advice because he’s the only one who knows about the situation and isn’t directly involved. hes noticed her this week, looking at them across courtyards and hallways, and he realises this is the first time she’s really seen them since everything that happened before summer. 

He wants to be there for her, he does, but he has to admit he’s been kind of angry with her about Jonas. 

He’ll meet her though. They’re friends. And he’s caring less about Jonas now. He remembers why that is, and opens his chat with Even.

_ you have to forgive me for spelling romeo and juliet wrong now, _ he sends, hoping that Even won’t find it weird that he remembers that part of their conversation, and that he doesn’t have to wait long for a response

_ Why would I ever forgive you for that? Smh _

_ because i just watched it _

_ Without me? :( _

_ Did you like it? _

_ Did you cry? _

_ it was ok, i guess _

_ i’m not sure i’m a fan of “epic love stories” _

_ So you did cry :D _

_ Watch Pretty Woman instead. Absolutely nothing epic about that.  _

_ then why do you like it? _

_ Ha! I have a very varied taste in films _

_ Goes from Tangled to Moulin Rouge to The Artist _

_ okay _

_ You’ve never heard of any of them, have you? _

_ um _

_ tangled is the disney one, right?  _

_ Correct! _

_ didn’t think it was pretentious enough for you _

_ I don’t know if you’re trying to offend me with that, Isak _

_ But its not working.  _

 

Isak grins when Even uses his name in the text. he’s not sure why, it’s not like he said it out loud, although, with that thought, the memory of how he’d said it on monday comes back, after their first introduction, when Even had seemed to taste his name, slowly, reverently, breathing it in and out with a little smile. 

Isak’s thoughts are running away with him now, he realises. 

_ This is all just wishful thinking _ , he tells himself harshly. 

And he’s not meant to be like this anyway. He’s not meant to like boys. 

Why can’t he be normal?

*

**Saturday (11:15)**

_ Free today? _

_ no :( sorry i’m meeting a friend _

_ Ok, have fun _

_ Hope you’re not third wheeling too much :D _

_ haha its ok its just the one friend i’m meeting _

_ i might be free next weekend though? _

_ :D _

 

Isak hopes he has time to sort his head out by next weekend. He wants to meet up with Even. He kind of misses him.

“Hi!” he smiles at Eva as he slides into the chair opposite her.

She smiles softly back at him, pushing a coffee towards him, which he accepts with a grateful smile.

“You alright?” he says.

“Yeah!” she says, a little too enthusiastically.

He narrows his eyes a little, and she sighs and starts to tell him everything.

He lets himself get distracted by her talking, uses it to stop thinking about his own problems. (although, Even’s not really the problem, he reasons, so he lets himself keep thinking about him while Eva talks.)

Giving advice has never been Isak’s strong suit, but it seems enough to Eva that he listens. He’s glad of this, because he worries that if he tries to tell her what she should do he’ll tell her his exact thoughts on the whole Jonas thing, which wouldn’t turn out well for anyone.

He wonders, for a moment, whether he should talk to her about this thing with Even, whether she’d listen to him, whether she’d hate him for it. He thinks he’d rather tell Jonas first, though, so he keeps his mouth shut on that subject, and turns his mind to lighter things as the conversation with Eva turns to easier, more meaningless subjects.

He manages not to look at his phone the whole time he’s with her, so it’s 16:00 by the time he gets home and looks at his messages. He can’t help the smile that spreads across his face when he sees one from Even.

(12:23) _ Who knew that school holidays could be so boring? _

(14:52) _ I hope you’re having a good time with your friend but you’re neglecting your duties of entertaining me _

(16:07)  _ is entertaining you my job? _

_ It is now. I decided. _

_ I’ll pay you _

_ you couldn’t afford me _

_ i cost 50k a week _

_ I’ll pay you 500 _

_ thats not good enough _

_ I’ll pay you in ice creams _

_ I’ll even let you pretend that strawberry is superior to cookie dough _

_ “pretend” pffft _

*

**Saturday (19:19)**

_ I have to go now but I’ll talk to you later _

_ okayyy :( _

_ You’re so cute _

_ i am not cute!! i am majestic and fierce _

_ Cute :D _

 

Isak tries not to freak out.

*

**Monday (12:09)**

Sana smiles at him when he sits down in biology. They don’t have time to talk before the teacher starts the lesson, but around halfway through the lesson she speaks up.

“How do you know Even?”

“Huh?” Isak hadn’t really been listening, and Sana raises her eyebrows at him.

Isak shrugs halfheartedly, brain finally catching up with her question. “We just, uh, know each other, I guess.”

Sana raises her eyebrows higher, and Isak shrugs again.

“How do  _ you _ know him?” Deflecting the question isn’t going to work, Isak realises after saying it, because he knows how she knows Even. Sana doesn't even bother to answer his question. “What?” Isak responds to her raised eyebrow in a high-pitched voice.

“Well, the thing is, Isak, the only thing I know about you is that i was told to make friends with you. I’m just curious as to why you need a third year from another school to help you make friends.”

Isak makes an offended sound. “I’ve known you three days, Sana. you don’t get my tragic backstory yet.”

“Well, now I’m even more intrigued.”

“I hope you enjoy that feeling, then.”

Sana, it turns out, is very good at giving evils.

“Why did he tell you to be friends with me anyway?” Isak asks, trying to keep his voice even. The realisation has hit him that Even could have told her everything. But then, he was making it all up in his head anyway. It’s probably fine, Sana won’t know anything because there’s nothing to know. 

Sana looks at him a little oddly, and he tries to ignore the slight fear in his gut. “He just said you told him you didn’t have friends.”

That doesn’t answer his question, but it’s okay, he tells himself, he’s panicking over nothing.

That doesn’t stop him from panicking, though.

*

**Wednesday (16:54)**

_ hahaha _

_ good first week back then? _

_ _

_ Just gotta make it through two more days _

_ And then it’s the weekend! _

_ :D _

 

For once, Isak is hanging out with Jonas, and Elias is nowhere around.

It reminds him, like he knew it would, how much of a great guy Jonas can be. 

They’re in the middle of some mindless video game when Isak decides it’s a good time to ask Jonas’ advice, and he thinks he’s thought of the right way to do it. It involves a lot of Isak lying, but what else is new?

“There’s this girl I like,” he says, trying not to wince at the lies coming out of his own mouth.

A slow grin spreads over Jonas’ face. “Is it that girl from your biology? Sana?”

“ _ Sana? _ No. Anyway, don’t try and guess, you don’t know her. I met her online.”

“Oh, one of your weird online nerd friends?

“Yeah. Anyway, I really like hi-her,” Isak hopes that Jonas doesn’t notice his almost slip up. “But I don’t know whether I should meet up with her.”

“She’s from Oslo too?”

“Yeah. I’m just worried that,” he pauses, “that I won’t like her in real life.”

“Well, you won’t know if you don’t try.”

“But like, what if she’s,” Isak pauses, trying to work out how to say this without Jonas finding out, “I don’t know, ugly or something?” That doesn’t feel like the right way to say it, but he continues anyway. “What if people judge me for being with her?”

“Dude, what the fuck? You sound like an asshole.”

Isak sighs, and bites his lip, trying to calm his racing heart. He can’t tell anyone, but he  _ needs  _ to tell someone. Jonas continues to speak before he can make up his mind on whether to say more, though.

“The thing is, Issy,” he says wisely. “She could look like a troll in real life, or something, but if she makes you happy, then why does it matter what other people think?”

Isak takes a breath. “Oh,” he says, softly. “Yeah, yeah, you’re right. I - thanks, Jonas.”

Jonas gives him a smug smile. “I’m always right. But if you’re gonna be a dick about her being ugly, that’s a different story. You’re not gonna be a dick, are you?”

Isak shakes his head vigorously, laughing slightly with relief. “No, no, of course not. Thanks.”

“Any time, bro.”

 

(18:04)  _ why can’t it be the weekend now? :( _

*

**Friday (21:21)**

Jonas drags Isak to a Bakka party on Friday night.

He’s had three beers and been talked into downing two shots when he looks to the corner of the kitchen, and even through the slightly blurry drunken haze he’s in, he knows what he sees.

That’s  _ him _ . That’s  _ Even _ , standing with the guy he recognises from the video, Mikael. 

He should have known, really. This is a Bakka party, and it’s a big one. 

Isak can’t really seem to stop his feet from taking him over there, slowly, unsurely, wobbling a little because of the alcohol. He stops a few steps away and leans against the kitchen counter to steady himself. What does he do now? 

They haven’t noticed him yet, turned slightly away from him while Even rolls a joint, and Mikael seems to be lecturing him about it.

“...all I’m saying is that you said you were going to smoke less!”

“We’re at a  _ party _ , Mik. And it’s not your job to look after me, I get that you feel guilty and all, but seriously. Chill.”

Mikael sighs, and seems to be opening his mouth to say something, but then he turns and spots Isak, standing and watching from a few steps away.

“Can I help you?” he snaps, but then his eyes widen and he slams his hand into Even’s shoulder, making Even turn around with a “Mikael, what the-”

His eyes fall on Isak, and his annoyance at Mikael seems to vanish, replaced with a blinding smile.

“Isak!” 

“Hi,” Isak says with a shy smile.

Neither of them speak for a while, just smiling at each other, until Mikael coughs.

“Well,” he throws up his hands in an over-dramatic gesture. “I’ll just go, shall I?”

“Bye, Mikael,” Even says as an answer, and Mikael shoves him on his way past, as well as whispering something that, to Isak, sounds like it could be “all this for a fucking sixteen-year-old,” but he’s too drunk to really take offence, and not even sure that’s what he heard.

Even rolls his eyes at Mikael’s back as he walks away, and then turns back to Isak, holding up the joint. “Wanna come outside?” He doesn’t wait for an answer before he’s striding through the kitchen, moving through the crowds of people and out through the back door.

The garden is crowded too, but Isak follows Even down to the end of it, past the hedge and around the other side where there’s a bench and no-one else to be seen.

“Don’t want everyone to be after my weed,” Even explains, grinning, as he sits on the back of the bench, feet on the seat. Isak follows suit, smiling but not quite trusting himself to speak because the alcohol running through his brain is threatening to tell Even how attractive he is.

Thankfully, Even starts a conversation first. It’s something simple, easy, something that Isak doesn’t have to focus too much on, which is a relief, because between the alcohol and the fact that Even is there, focussing on anything is pretty difficult.

They reach a lull in their conversation, and Isak’s curiosity gets the better of him.

“Why was Mikael trying to get you to stop smoking?”

After a quick flick upwards of his eyebrows at the sudden question, Even barks a laugh. “Because he’s my third mum.”

“Third?”

“Yeah, I have two mums,” Even explains with a grin. “Two actual mums, and then Mikael, who wants to be the third.”

Isak isn’t sure what to say (for some reason he feels like that’s… something, like that information meant more than it should to him. He’s not sure if it’s because he’s still slightly tipsy and getting higher by the minute, though) but it doesn’t matter because Even continues to talk.

“I’m not meant to smoke, or, take drugs, or whatever,” he says, scrunching his face up a little in annoyance. “Messes with my head, or it could, apparently. I’m, uh, bipolar,” he says the last sentence in a low voice, but Isak hears it. 

“Okay,” is all he can think to say at first, nodding slowly and looking forward, away from Even. Then, after a pause. “Are you okay?”

Even lets out a huff of laughter. “I’m great. Unless you’re gonna try and take this weed off me too.”

“Will I get to smoke it all if i do?”

Even laughs properly then, loud and long and clear, and Isak grins along with him, because yeah, Even just told him something big, but he’s okay. He’s okay. It’s okay.

Even is shaking his head when Isak looks back at him.

“Don’t worry about it,” he says “It doesn’t bother me that much. I mean, it does, but Mikael’s already forced me into practising ‘self love’ and ‘acceptance’.”

“That’s cool of him.“

Even shakes his head, laughing slightly. “Actually, it’s entirely selfish of him. he blames himself for my first episode, long story,” he adds, shaking his head again as if he doesn’t want to talk about it, “and so forcing me to love myself is his way of apologising.”

Isak nods slowly, and Even catches his eye and they both smile at each other. 

Even takes another drag, smiling, and then half holds the joint out to Isak. Isak is about to take it, when -

“You wanna shotgun?”

Isak stops breathing, and his heart thumps in his chest. 

Even must mistake his shock for confusion. “Do you know what that is?”

“Yeah, I know what it is,” Isak hopes he doesn’t sound weird, but he can hear his voice, high pitched and shaky, and hates it.

“Ever done it before?” Even tilts his head slightly, looking at Isak, eyes sparkling with laughter.

“Yeah.” No, he hasn’t. The only times he’s ever smoked have been around Elias and Jonas, and he thinks that Elias would throw a fit if he ever did something that  _ gay  _ in front of him. He does know what it is though; Elias is always boasting about all the hook-ups he’s had as a result of shotgunning with hot girls.

“You have?” Even looks disbelieving.

“Yeah, loads.”

“Holy fuck, you’re such a bad liar,” Even laughs at him.

“Huh? I’m a bad liar?”

“Yeah.”

“ _ I’m _ a bad liar?” Isak repeats. “I’m the master of lying,” he insists.

Even nods, laughing slightly. “And I’m straight,” he deadpans.

The significance of those words isn’t completely lost on Isak’s drunken brain, only dulled a little. It does occur to him that shotgunning, now, won’t be  _ just _ shotgunning. And, as skeptical as he’s been about it, Even probably  _ has _ been flirting with him this entire time.

Is he scared? Undoubtedly. But he’s more than a little eager to try it anyway.

“So do you want to?” Even’s voice interrupts his thoughts, not unwelcome, but strangely unexpected; Isak had been lost in his thoughts for a moment and nearly forgotten why. Isak’s head snaps to look at Even, and he absentmindedly licks his lips, considering Even’s question, before nodding slowly.

He’s almost hypnotised by the way it goes in slow motion: Even taking a drag, then moving his free hand back to rest at the back of Isak’s neck and pulling him forward. Then, Even’s lips are open against his own, and he’s breathing out smoke into Isak’s mouth. Isak lets his eyes flutter shut as he breathes in and holds it, and when Even pulls away, he leaves his eyes closed for a bit, savouring the moment.

When he opens them again, Even is looking away, facing forward again, and taking another drag from his joint. Something in Isak’s drunken mind doesnt like that Even isn’t looking at him, so when he exhales, he moves slightly closer to Even, making sure the smoke tickles his cheek as he breathes it out.

Even turns to him and grins.

“Good?” he asks, and Isak nods lazily, not trying to hide the fact that his eyes are fixed on Even’s lips again. “Again?” Isak nods again, unable to form words.

He lets Even pull him in and breathe smoke into his mouth twice more. And then he lets Even put his hand back on Isak’s neck without taking a drag first. Their faces linger a few centimetres away from each other, with Even’s gaze flickering down to Isak’s lips and a wordless question in the silence between them. Isak knows the answer, and now he’s just waiting for Even to close the gap between them.

And that’s when he hears Jonas call his name, and he panics.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic may have to go on a lil hiatus as i’m having fuckign heart surgery in three days. Will try to keep writing, but, ya know,,,, heart surgery. yeah. At least the hospital has free wifi but i won’t be able to take my laptop in there so i won’t really be able to upload properly for a week unless i do somehow. I’ll try get plenty of this finished before i go so yall wont be waiting long but um i might die (literally i have a 1/50 chance of dying IM NOT PANICKING YOURE PANICKING) so theres that  
> comments and kudos are appreciateddddddd  
> find me on [the tumbz](http://pansexualmahdidisi.tumblr.com)  
> love always xxx


	4. won't come up until i've broken all the locks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *raspberry noise* this chapter suuuuuuuuucks but i wanted to get it out before tomorrow  
> [but rino, why arent you in hospital dying after surgery? good question. they cancelled it. its this wednesday instead, so, yeah, ch5 might be a while.   
> i would apologise for going on about this so much but its literally all i can think about so *shrugs*]

**Saturday (13:52)**

(10:19) _ You disappeared last night :( _

(13:48) _ haha did i? i was so wasted i barely even remember getting to the party _

_ sorry if we were having a conversation or whatever _

_ No worries. _

_ Feeling okay this morning? _

_ hungover as fuck but i’ll live _

_ you? _

_ good time yesterday? _

_ Yeah not bad _

_ Would have liked for us to finish our conversation _

_ But i guess you don’t remember it? _

_ haha no sorry _

_ It wasn’t that important anyway _

_ I’ll let you get back to recovering from your hangover _

_ thanks :) _

 

Isak does remember it. He remembers every single minute of last night, forwards, backwards, in slow motion, in excruciating detail.

He remembers the cold of the bench when he first sat down next to Even, the way that Even pushed his shoulder against Isak as he laughed at some stupid joke, he remembers the brush of their fingers when Even passed him the joint, and then the pressure of Even’s hand on his neck and his lips against Isak’s, the smoke being breathed into his mouth and the way Even’s warm fingers tangled slightly in the curls in his hair before he pulled his hand away.

He remembers the feeling of Even’s slow breath mingling with his own in the moment that they were about to kiss, the intensity of Even’s gaze, and the question he asked with it. He remembers Jonas’ voice calling him, the sound that had pulled him down from every different high he had been feeling.

He remembers Elias and Jonas coming round the corner, and Even realising what Isak’s terrified deer-in-the-headlights look meant, and moving as far away from Isak as he could, going to the other side of the bench and instead handing Isak the still lit joint for him to take a drag by himself. Isak had never hated the sensation of inhaling weed straight from a joint more than he did in that moment.

Jonas said “We didn’t know where you’d gone, man!” But Isak didn’t have time to explain himself before Elias was cutting in.

“You smoking without us?” he had said, and then called him something that reminded him of everything, reminded him why no one could know what he was, what he’d been doing out there with Even in the first place. He saw Even’s head snap to look at Elias, glare at him, mouth opening to say something in return, but Isak spoke before he could, making some excuse as to why he hadn’t told them he’d found weed, and then asking Even in a falsely bright voice if they could share.

He could see that Even wanted to say no, but what he did instead was shrug, and Isak handed the joint over to Jonas as he sat down on the bench in the newly created space between them, then Isak made some excuse about needing to use the bathroom. As soon as he was away from the three of them, he turned and fled the party.

He can’t stop thinking about any of it. Even might have kissed him, if it weren’t for Elias and Jonas. He doesn’t know if that’s what he wants now, but he remembers feeling as though it was all he needed last night. Having it so close, only to be ripped away, well, he doesn’t know how he feels. Maybe it was a sign. 

Isak hates signs.

*

**Monday (13:14)**

Even doesn’t text him all weekend.

Isak thinks he’s probably ruined it - Even didn’t sign up to be with a loser who’d be too scared to be seen with him in public. Last night had probably just proved that to Even, he doesn’t need Isak and all his issues with being gay.

He tortures himself going through the events of Friday, over and over, and he can’t seem to stop. 

Sana glares at him in biology. Isak is a little confused - they’d been getting along great last week, laughing and smiling and joking together, despite the occasional tensions when they couldn’t agree on an answer.

“Hi,” he says, tentative, but all she does is give a little “Hmph” and look away.

He doesn’t get chance to ask her what’s wrong until later in the lesson

The two of them are working in silence, Isak occasionally glancing over to her in confusion, when Sana finally speaks, voice dripping with contempt.

“Good weekend?”

“Uh, yeah” Isak answers with furrowed brows. Why is Sana asking about his weekend with so much anger? “Yours?”

“Great, thanks,” Sana answers haughtily, before turning away and ignoring him again.

Isak racks his brain for what he could have done, and it doesn’t take him very long at all.  _ Even _ . Does this mean Sana knows he’s - he’s - he likes boys?

He can’t ask her straight out. Maybe she’s just in a bad mood. And, anyway, he’s only known her a little over a week. It’s none of his business what her religion says about people like him. And he should have expected it.

He’s running a hand through his hair and tapping his pen against the table, trying to concentrate on his work when she speaks again.

“Why do you look so confused?”

“Huh?”

“It’s like you don’t know what you’ve done to piss me off.”

“Like I - what?” Isak thinks he does know what, but he doesn’t want to face it, not when anyone could hear.

“How can you claim to get 6s in biology and still be this thick?”

Isak narrows his eyes. “Look, Sana, I’m sorry that your religion hates me, or whatever, but can you -”

This time it’s Sana’s turn to exclaim a “huh?”

There’s silence for a while as they stare at each other in confusion.

“That’s not it, then?”

Sana looks at him as if he’s an idiot, which maybe he is. “My religion doesn’t hate anyone, Isak.” Isak wants to ask what he’s done, then, but she continues to speak before he can. “Islam,” she says slowly, as though she’s speaking to a child, “says that  _ everyone  _ has the same worth. Whether they’re male, female, straight, gay,” Isak winces slightly at this word, and Sana’s expression softens slightly into pity before she continues, determined, “or if they’re, say,  _ mentally ill _ you should treat them with love and respect.” She finishes her speech with a raise of her eyebrows, and Isak finally gets it.

Even thinks he ran off because he’s bipolar.

Isak hadn’t even thought of Even’s confession, really. He’d been too caught up in  _ what if they find out _ to even consider that Even’s confession might have been more of a big deal than he’d made of it at the time.

“But judging by your expression, I’d say that’s not the problem,” Sana says, lost in thought. “So you don’t hate him for being bipolar.”

“I could never hate Even,” Isak says quickly. “I didn’t even, jesus, I didn’t think about that.”

“Clearly,” Sana says, unimpressed. “Well, what are you going to do about it?”

“What?”

Sana raises her eyebrows again. “You’re going to tell me you’re not going to do anything about it? You’re going to let Even believe you hate him?”

“No! I mean, that’s not it though, it’s not -” Sana cuts off his babbling.

“No one’s going to hate you, Isak,” Sana says, voice suddenly gentle.

“You don’t fucking know that,” he mumbles, and then realises this is the first time he’s let his fears out into the open. “Don’t - don’t tell anyone, please,” he whispers, pleading with Sana, terrified.

She places a comforting hand on his shoulder. “I won’t.” He gives her a half smile, and she continues to speak. “But I won’t be able to forgive you if you let Even think his bipolar is the problem. You don’t know how fucking long it’s taken him to be okay with it.” Isak opens his mouth to apologise, but Sana speaks first. “It’s not me you need to say this to.”

Isak looks at her for a moment, seeing how she’s equally pitying and fiercely determined to get him to make things right. He nods, and she relaxes into a smile.

They go back to silence for a while, each looking at their work, until Isak speaks, curious.

“How are you so close with your brothers friends?”

“Because I don’t have my own friends,” Sana sighs jokingly, but Isak sees she’s being kind of serious at the same time.

“You’ve got me,” Isak grins at her, “and hey,” he says, having a sudden thought, “my friend Eva doesn’t have many friends either. I’ll introduce you, I think you’d get on.”

Sana gives him a surprised smile. “Thanks, Isak.”

She follows him, after the lesson comes to an end, to the windowsill where Isak, Jonas, and Eva pass most of their time between classes. He’s pleased to find that she and Eva get on straight away, and he feels pleased with himself that he’s no longer third wheeling, and pleased that Eva and Sana are both no longer so lonely at this school.

*

**Monday (17:17)**

He googles bipolar disorder that evening. He wants to do as Sana asked him, to reassure Even that he isn’t bothered by it, but he realises he doesn't really know anything about it. 

Google doesn’t do much to put his mind at ease. 

He thinks he’s got the general gist of it, but some terrifying phrases stick out at him, making him doubt everything he thought he knew and fear everything he didn’t. 

_ “bipolar disorder puts a strain on relationships” _

_ “people in manic episodes do things they would not otherwise do” _

_ “suicidal thoughts and self injury can be very common in depressive episodes” _

The worst he finds is an article that says mania can make people think they’re in love, or have feelings for someone, and rationally, he knows it’s wrong. Whatever he and Even had was nowhere near love anyway, and he read enough of other articles saying that was wrong to believe them over this one. He sends it to Sana anyway, because he wants to know for sure, and she’s the only person he can think to ask. 

**Sana**

_ he’s not manic right now is he? _

_ That article is bullshit.  _

_ No he’s not manic. _

_ Do your research from more reliable sources _

_ Or maybe just, i don’t know, TALK TO HIM _

_ He’s not braindead, he’s bipolar _

_ And he likes you _

_ I don’t know why you need me to spell that out. _

_ oh _

_ thanks, sanasol _

_ You’re welcome, isabell _

_ original _

_ B) _

_ Talk to him or I’ll cut your dick off _

_ jesus christ _

_ I can’t stand it when people fuck over my friends _

_ texting him right now :) _

_ Thank you _

 

**Even**

_ hi _

_ sana told me that you thought i ran off because youre bipolar _

_ i wanted you to know that’s not true _

_ i’ve just got to work through some stuff _

_ i’m sorry if you thought that _

 

Isak cringes as soon as he sends the picture.  _ What the hell were you thinking _ ? he asks himself, but it’s too late to change his mind now. 

Even doesn’t reply anyway, not that Isak thinks he should. Maybe it’s better this way, there’s no chance of everything going wrong if there’s nothing that can go wrong. 

**Wednesday (12:03)**

Sana and Eva become fast friends, which Isak is thrilled by as he sees them in the break between lessons. He’s less thrilled, though, by the fact that they have been joined by Elias.

Isak hops up onto the windowsill next to Sana, and tries to ignore anything that comes out o the third years mouth. It seems he succeeds, because it gets to the time at which he and Sana have to set off for biology, and he hasn’t registered a single word.

Sana clearly has, though. 

“So, I guess he’s the reason for Friday?”

Isak shrugs, trying to be nonchalant. “One of them, I guess.”

“And Jonas, he’s your best friend?”

“Yeah.”

“Some friend.”

“He’s not-” Isak pauses, torn between seeking Sana’s advice and defending Jonas. “He’s not terrible. He just wants to impress Elias so that he’ll get free weed,” Isak’s eyes widen slightly. “Shit, don’t tell Eva.”

Sana raises an eyebrow. “Doesn’t sound like a great relationship if he’s keeping secrets. Sounds like he’s got some growing up to do.”

Isak sighs. “Haven’t we all?

There’s silence between the two for a while, until Sana breaks it.

“Did you text Even?”

Isak grimaces. “Yeah. I sounded like an idiot and he didn’t reply.”

“So you’re just going to leave it at that?”

“Yeah?” What else can he do? “It’s probably for the best.”

“God, you’re a defeatist.”

“He didn’t reply to me, Sana, what am i meant to do with that? 

She thinks for a moment. “Do you like him?”

Isak looks around suddenly, checking that no one is looking. “I don't want to do something wrong.”

Sana narrows her eyes. “Because he’s bipolar?”

“I don’t know shit about it, Sana! And he didn’t reply to me. It’s probably just,” he swallows, “it’s probably just best like this.”

Sana pulls a face, expression somewhere between disbelief and disgust, but she doesn’t say anything more, and neither does Isak.

*

**Thursday (14:32)**

Sana doesn't seem too upset with him, he thinks, because she still hangs out with him, Eva, and Jonas in break times. 

Jonas is pretty impressed with Sana, Isak thinks. She’s proved herself a pretty impressive source of knowledge on the various injustices of the world, which is something that Jonas is very interested about. 

Although, he seems a bit cognitively dissonant about the whole homophobia thing. He's good at saying everyone should be equal, no one should be oppressed for something like that, but then the only thing out of his mouth when Elias “jokes” about it is “have some humour, Isak.”

Isak leaves Sana and Jonas to their intellectual discussion about something that’s wrong with the world, and talks about Game Of Thrones with Eva instead. 

Elias decides to join them again, one of the times that his class schedule matches up with theirs. Isak’s getting pretty good at tuning him out now, turning his voice into white noise instead of the daggers that it usually feels like. 

Sana doesn't seem to find that as easy. 

Isak looks resolutely down at his phone as it happens, Elias makes a comment that Isak doesn't want to think about, and the next moment Sana is pretty impressively roasting him in the middle of the corridor. 

Isak doesn’t look up until it’s over. He doesn't want to get involved, look up, look at anyone, in case he gets found out somehow. He can't risk looking at Jonas, his best friend’s expression must be telling right now, he thinks, but what if it tells him what he fears the most?

Elias eventually slips away with a snarky comment under his breath, and Isak chances a look up. 

Both Jonas and Eva are staring at Sana in amazement. She huffs and sits back on the windowsill next to Eva. 

“Never thought someone would finally put that dick in his place,” Eva says in wonder. 

“He’s not that bad, is he?” Jonas says, but he doesn't sound like he’s defending him, at least. “Fuck, I didn’t realise he was that bad.” He sounds like he’s finally been knocked out of a trance, or something, waking up to reality finally. Isak can only hope that's what's happening. 

*

**Friday (13:59)**

**Sana**

_ I think you should say something to Jonas. He's your best friend and he wouldn't hate you.  _

_ ugh _

_ Look I know you're scared but I'm pretty sure I proved yesterday that he's not going to hate you _

_ You'll feel a lot better _

_ its different when it’s someone you know though _

_ If he hates you I'll punch him myself _

_ But I know he won’t _

_ are you just doing this so i'll get with Even? because i told you i can’t.  _

_ I think you should tell Jonas. Even has nothing to do with it. _

_ you can’t force me to out myself _

_ I don’t mean it like that, I know it’s your decision and whatever you decide I’ll still be your friend. _

_ ok _

_ But Jonas would give you more impartial advice on the whole situation _

_ alright miss fancy words _

_ I’m rolling my eyes at you so hard right now _

_ But anyway, we both know I’m biased, and you need someone to talk to about this _

_ You can’t keep this stuff bottled up, trust me. _

_ Maybe Eva, if not Jonas? _

_ no i’ll tell jonas _

_ i’m going to his after school _

_ I’m glad _

_ Tell me how it goes _

_ are you going to be this soft all the time now? :D _

_ I could ruin your life and you know it _

_ nvm _

 

“Hey, man!” Jonas greets Isak as he walks out of school. “You coming back to my place?”

“Yeah!” Isak tries to answer with equal enthusiasm. “Anyone else coming?”

“Haven’t invited anyone, why?”

“Just wondering,” Isak replies, shrugging slightly. Jonas gives him an odd look but doesn’t push it.

It starts out like every day at Jonas’ house, they settle themselves on Jonas’ bed with a ridiculous amount of snacks that they’ve swiped from the kitchen, Jonas turns on the TV and they play FIFA for a while, and make the occasional comment about school or something.

And then Even finally replies to him.

(15:15)  _ Thanks, Isak. Sorry it took a while for me to reply. How are you? _

_ i thought you hated small talk _

_ haha _

_ i’m good, anyway, just hanging with jonas right now _

_ but i’ll talk to you later? _

_ I’d like that :) _

_ Have fun with Jonas _

 

“Who are you texting?”

Isak’s head snaps up, and he shrugs. Jonas gives a confused laugh. 

“What’s with you being so secretive lately?”

Isak shrugs again, as if he isn’t fully aware that his face is the picture of terrified right now. 

Jonas smirks knowingly. “What’s her name?”

_ Now or never _ , he thinks.

“His name is Even,” he says it to the floor, really, he doesn’t look at Jonas as he speaks, so he can’t even be sure that his best friend heard him, especially when he doesn’t say anything.

He stares at the floor for a few minutes and it feels like hours.

It takes him several nervous taps of his fingers and a deep breath before he can even glance up at Jonas, who is smiling kindly at him.

“That guy we smoked with, yeah?

Isak gives a little nod, still too wound up to speak.

“He was cool,” Jonas nods, and then he freezes. “Shit! Did we - did we interrupt something on Friday?”

Isak shakes his head vigorously, but he thinks Jonas can see through him. “Fuck, sorry bro.”

They sit in silence for a while more. Isak doesn’t know quite what to say now,, and he thinks Jonas is having the same problem, from the look on his face.

“How did you meet him?”

Isak can’t help a little smile as he remembers. “You know, when we went to the theme park, and we got… separated?”

Jonas’s face splits into a grin. “I knew you had a dopey look on your face when we found you again!”

“What do you mean, ‘you knew?’ you didn’t look at me once that day,” Isak replies, disbelieving. “I don’t know why you invited me, just to third wheel.”

Jonas gives a guilty smile. “Oh. Yeah, sorry about that.”

“No, you’re not,” Isak scoffs.

“Got you a boyfriend, though, didn’t it?” Jonas raises his eyebrows suggestively, grinning at Isak.

Isak looks down, unsure what more to tell Jonas. Sana is right, he needs advice.

“It didn’t?” Jonas asks, seeing Isak’s look, his voice softer, more concerned this time. “What’s going on, then?”

Isak tries to explain everything. He thinks he messes it up, stumbles over his words a bit, but Jonas nods along, listens carefully, and seems to understand most of it. When Isak finishes with his garbled explanation, Jonas is silent for a while, thinking.

“I’ll find a new dealer,” is all he says at first. “Elias is a dick.”

“You weren’t that much better,” Isak points out, and Jonas pulls a guilty face.

“Sorry.”

Isak shrugs, and they go back to more silence.

“So, the bipolar thing,” Jonas says after a while.

“Yeah.” That.

“If I know you,” Jonas says, “you researched the fuck out of it.”

“Yeah,” Isak says again, and can’t help a little huff of a laugh escape him when Jonas says this.

“I’m the first to admit i don’t know all that much about it,” Jonas says, and Isak recognises that voice. It’s his wise voice, the one he uses when he’s about to say something incredibly deep and truthful, and he wants to change the world with what he says. Most of the time, Isak admits, he tunes it out, but he listens this time. “There’s a lot of stigma against mental illnesses, and a lot of its,” he pauses, “just wrong, i think. It’s one of those times when you can’t trust the media.”

“I thought you could never trust the media.”

“Yeah, that too,” Jonas replies, not noticing Isak’s teasing. “But the stigma against mental illness is gonna overflow into stuff like google search results. The only way you’re going to understand it for what it really is, is by talking to Even.”

Isak sighs dramatically.

“Don’t be a wimp,” Jonas tells him, simply. “He told you, he’s clearly okay with you asking about it.”

There’s so much that could go wrong, though, Isak thinks. So many ways he could put his foot in his mouth, and offend, not just Even, but everyone with a mental illness. He doesn’t want to hurt Even. He doesn’t want Even to hate him.

“It’ll be okay,” says Jonas, reading Isak’s thoughts, and Isak wants to believe him, 

He thinks he might be coming round to the idea, at least. Maybe it’ll be okay.

*

**Friday (20:08)**

 

_ _

_ this made me think of you _

_ Have I ever told you how much I love Leo? :D  
_

_ you mentioned it a couple of times yeah _

 

And just like that, they’re texting the way they had been before. 

Isak thinks it’ll be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank youuuuuuu for reading!   
> sorry its crappioli  
> comments and kudos are appreciated!  
> and im on [tumblr!](http://pansexualmahdidisi.tumblr.com)  
> love always xxx


	5. "you're the only home i know"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *mushu gif* i live!!!!! barely!!!!!  
> had some good ol near death experiencess but i made it in the end, and here's the final chapter!  
> hope it lives up to expectations, and sorry it took so long!!

**Saturday (11:41)**

_(02:32) Isak_

_(02:44) Isakkkkkkkkkk_

_(03:03) You fell asleep didnt you?_

_(11:41) i might have done_

_sorryyyyyyyy_

_if it makes you feel any better i now have a weird indent in my hand bc i fell asleep holding my phone_

_You could have just told me you were tired?_

_I’m sorry for keeping you awake_

_nooooooo i didn’t even realise i was tired it wasn’t your fault_

_I liked talking to you_

_I liked talking to you too :D_

_:D_

 

**Sunday (14:43)**

Isak meets up with Jonas again, under the pretense of working on homework together. As always, it ends up as an excuse to lounge on Jonas’ bed playing Fifa.

“So did you talk to Even?” Jonas nudges him when they finish a game

“We've been texting,” Isak replies, a little half smile on his face that he feels Jonas roll his eyes at.

“But did you _talk_ to Even?”

Isak’s half-smile turns into a scowl. “Not yet.”

Jonas gives him an exasperated sigh.

“What?” Isak defends, “it’s been two days, Jonas. Give me a chance.”

“I just want to see you happy, bro.”

“I will talk to him,” Isak promises. “I want to.”

Jonas smiles. “I know you do.”

*

**Monday (12:06)**

Sana gives him the same treatment as Jonas before biology.

“So,” she says, a suspicious smile on her face. “Did you meet up with Even?”

“Why is everyone so invested in my love life?” Isak throws his hands up in frustration. “Especially when, oh yeah, _I’m not out yet, Sana_ ,” he hisses. “Could we not talk about this some other time?”

“We’re in an empty classroom, Isak,” she rolls her eyes at his dramatic display, but at that moment, more students begin to trickle into the room. He raises his eyebrows at her and pulls a smug face, but she’s unimpressed.

“Are you going to meet, though?” She presses, and Isak sighs, knowing that she would find a way to make him talk.

“We haven’t talked about it,” Isak says uncertainly, keeping his words as vague as possible, hyper-aware of everyone in the room, although their attention could not be directed further from him.

Sana considers him for a moment, a look on her face as if she can see right through him. “Maybe you should make the first move,” she suggests calmly.

Isak’s eyes widen. He’s never been good at first moves. Sana’s eyes seem to roll a full 360 inside her head.

“It’s not that difficult. Just ask to meet up,” she says with a shrug, as if that’s the easiest thing Isak could do, when in fact, it’s terrifying. Between the mess he made at the party and his pathetic attempts to fix things over text, he’s terrified to face Even, though texting him is the easiest, most natural thing in the world.

He’s deep in thought about this when the teacher begins the lesson, and he almost misses the teacher explaining that they’ll have a project due that they’ll have to do in pairs, and work on outside of school.

“Perfect!” Sana says cheerily as the teacher stops talking. “You can come to mine this week.”

Sana has told him countless times that her brother’s friends like to hang out at her place, so he sees through her straightaway.

“No.”

“Do you want to fail?”

“You can come to mine instead.”

“No.”

“Sana.”

“Isak.”

Sana wins, of course.

*

**Wednesday (10:34)**

“Culturally rela _-ti-_ vist-ic,” he tries again, trying to make Jonas get it right.

“Culturally rela-vi-tist-ic,” Jonas tries to repeat, failing spectacularly.

“No, not rela- _vi_ -tist-ic, rela- _ti_ -vist-ic.”

Jonas shrugs and gives up, and Isak shakes his head.

“See, this is why I get 6s, and you don’t.”

It’s at this moment that two girls come down the stairs, and stop in front of Eva and Sana, who are sitting at the opposite window.

One of them, an enthusiastic looking blonde girl with pink bows in her hair, starts talking enthusiastically to Eva and Sana. She introduces herself as Vilde, and the other girl as Chris. Isak is about to tune out of the conversation, when Chris’ eyes fall on him.

She’s eating an ice cream out of a tub with a spoon, and Isak couldn’t be more concerned with the look she’s giving him, while sucking on said spoon. He vaguely registers the conversation that the other girls are having, about starting a russebuss (this early? In first year? He hopes they don’t ask Jonas to be on it. They’ll get an earful about capitalism) but he can’t bring himself to look away from Chris, in his confusion at the surreal situation he’s found himself in.

Eventually, Chris turns to the side, and mentions something about a cult suicide on May 17th. Isak thinks he might have switched dimensions. While he has the chance, he glances to the side, to see if Jonas is seeing this, or if perhaps his coffee this morning had something more than caffeine in it.

Joonas is trying not to burst into laughter, so at least that answers that question.

Before he knows it Chris has turned back round to gaze at him again, spoon back in her mouth, as she backs down the stairs, which Isak thinks is probably unsafe.

Finally, as the door to the corridor shuts behind the two girls, he lets himself look at the other three, and he, Jonas, and Sana, burst out laughing together.

Eva looks confused, and Sana tries to explain what happened through her laughter, while Isak turns to Jonas, after a quick look up and down the stairs.

“At least I know I’m not setting off any gaydars,” he whispers in an undertone, making Jonas laugh even harder.

Later in the day, over lunch time, he and Eva are sat alone on the windowsill.

“Chris is actually really funny, you know,” Eva grins cheekily. “I was just in a lesson with her. Maybe you guys should date.”

It takes all Isak has not to do a full on spit-take with the mouthful of water he just took.

He swallows it, as best he can ( and tries to surreptitiously wipe up the dribble with his sleeve)

“What?” he exclaims in utter disbelief.

Eva giggles. “Chill. I was kidding. She said she thought she felt some “electric chemistry” and some “hot vibes,” though. I’d watch out. Unless you felt them too.” She winks at him, and he’s glad he didn’t just take another sip.

There’s only one person he’s feeling “electric chemistry” with at the moment, and it’s definitely not Chris.

It occurs to him that Eva’s the only one he hasn’t told, and he kind of wants to change that. Her, Jonas, and Sana are the three people he cares about most, and he wants her to know. He’s nowhere near telling the whole world yet, but he thinks it’s something he should tell his closest friend, and there’s no-one else around, so now seems a good time.

“Hey, Eva?”

“Yeah?”

“Uh.” it’s suddenly difficult to get words out again. “Uh,”” he tries again. ”I’m, uh, I like someone, I guess?”

Eva breaks into a huge grin. “Oh my god! Really! Who? Give me details!” She continues in this fashion for what feels like ages, and Isak fights to keep up with her words, until his ears pick up on “What’s his name?”

“What?” Isak didn’t previously know he was capable of producing sound that high.

“Shit,” she curses, but doesn’t say anything more, instead just looks at him, eyes wide with guilt.

“How did you-”

“I haven’t told anyone! Not even Jonas!”

“Jonas knows, though. How did _you_ find out?”

She looks torn now, between guilt and laughter.

“You remember when you lent me your phone a couple of weeks ago?”

Isak doesn’t, but he nods anyway. Now he’s confused, because he’s pretty sure that the texts he and Even have shared haven’t been flirty enough for Eva to guess anything.

And then she says something to make his face flush with embarrassment.

“You really need to get better at closing your internet tabs, to put it that way.”

*

**Wednesday (17:54)**

_someone tried to flirt with me today_

_i think_

_it was wierd_

_What happened?_

_some girl stared me down with a spoon in her mouth_

_Eva told me i should date her_

_i told Eva i’m not into girls_

_but i was pretty convinced i’d fallen into a parallel universe_

_or taken some strange drugs_

_so fun day_

_how was yours?_

_Definitely not as exciting_

_I’m kind of jealous_

_do you want to get flirted with by a girl sucking a spoon?_

_Not that kind of jealous ;)_

*

**Friday (15:54)**

“So are they here?” Isak asks Sana as he waits for her to dig her keys out of her bag.

“Yes. We can ignore them, though. We do have a project to work on. We’ll go in the kitchen.”

Isak nods. “But they know about me?”

“They tell each other everything. But they aren’t the sort to tell anyone else. And I don’t think most of them know what you look like, except Mikael. And-”

“Okay,” Isak cuts her off.

“Like I said,” Sana says calmly, “we’ll just go to the kitchen. I’m not forcing you into anything.” Isak raises an eyebrow at this. “Okay, maybe I am a little. You need to see each other IRL.”

“‘IRL’? Who are you?”

“Whatever,” she finally reaches her key and opens the door.

They’re greeted with the sound of raucous laughter from one of the rooms to the right, but thankfully, after they’ve taken their shoes off, Sana leads him left instead, to the kitchen. He tries not to imagine that he can pick Even’s laughter out through the noise.

“Nice house,” Isak says, because he’s always nervous going round to a new place, and he doesn’t really know what else to say.

“Thanks,” Sana replies, sitting at the table and pulling biology books out of her bag, and Isak follows suit. They can still hear the laughter from all the way across the apartment, but manage to get on with their project.

Isak thinks it’s going pretty well, and they’ve got a decent amount finished, when the laughter suddenly gets louder. He barely has any notice before the kitchen door swings open, and six boys - one of whom is very familiar, all walk in.

“Hi, Sana!” they seem to chorus at the same time, and she gives them an unenthusiastic “hey” in return.

And then Even catches Isak’s eye across the room, and the world seems to slow down a little. Just for a few seconds. Some of the boys are chatting in the background, but Isak can’t really hear them. It’s as if all his senses have been narrowed to his sight, and all he can see is Even, and his soft smile and bright blue eyes.

“Sana, aren’t you going to introduce us to your friend?” The question breaks Isak out of his reverie, but he doesn’t look away from Even, although his world seems to expand to make him aware of other things.

“No, Elias,” Sana replies. “I am not. Get your snacks and go.”

Isak’s eyes are still locked with Even’s, and they’re exchanging little smiles, and then Isak hears one of the three he doesn’t know the name of speak up, after looking between him and Even for a minute, exclaiming loudly.

“Oh, shit! That’s _Isak,_ guys!”

Even finally looks away to glare at the guy who spoke, but Mikael has reacted first, punching him hard in the shoulder with a “shut up, dude!”

All of the boys start talking over each other at once, until Sana clears her throat, and they all shut up and turn to look at her stern gaze.

“Just get your food and go, Elias,” Sana says. “We’re busy.”

Elias does as she asks, pulling packets of food out of the cupboards and passing them round to the boys. It’s less than a minute before they’ve all left the kitchen, and Isak finds himself a little disappointed that he was on the opposite side of the room to Even, so their only interaction was through looks.

The boys haven’t gone back across the house. This time, they seem to have settled right in the next room, and the walls in Sana’s house aren’t very soundproof. He can hear the conversation that Even’s friends are now having, clear as day.

“Mutta, you’re such an idiot!”

“I’m sorry! I just got excited. That is him, though, right, Even?”

“It’s him,” Even confirms. Isak had almost forgotten how much he loved that voice.

“What are you gonna - do you think you’ll - when are you gonna…” Mutta seems to be having trouble forming a proper sentence.

“Spit it out, Mutta,” one of the other boys says.

“Are you dating yet?” Mutta says excitedly.

Sana chooses that moment to put on some loud music, so Isak doesn’t hear Even’s reply.

 

(17:17) _Fancy seeing you here ;)_

_yeah…. not like sana set us up or anything_

_Of course not! Why would Sana do such a thing?_

_no idea…:P_

_Nice to see you, anyway :D_

_You look good_

_Maybe i’ll see you later_

_maybe you will :D_

 

He does see Even, a little over an hour later, when he’s pulling his shoes on at the door, and he wholeheartedly suspects that Sana let slip what time he was leaving.

“Oh, are you going?” Even says, innocent voice not entirely believable. “Me too. Maybe we could walk together?”

Isak runs a hand through his hair, trying to fight the smile spreading across his face. “Yeah, maybe we could.”

They’re about five minutes into their walk, and Isak is starting to suspect that Even is going the wrong way for where he lives, but it’s the wrong way for where Isak lives, too, so he doesn’t bother to point it out. They’re walking and talking, laughing easily, and then they move down a sidestreet, and Even lights up.

“You wanna go on the swings?” Even grins, pointing over to a children’s playground. “It’s not quite a theme park, but at least you won’t throw up.”

“Huh? Throw up? I didn’t throw up!”

Even’s grin only gets wider. “Do you want to or not?”

It doesn’t take long for Isak to agree.

Isak loses track of how many times he calls Even “an actual child” during their time swinging, and sliding, and climbing the monkey bars, and chasing around the platforms, like 7-year-olds, but he can’t pretend he isn’t giggling and breathless and exhilarated too, even when they both reach the conclusion together that they’ve had enough, and they flop down onto the bench at the side of the park, shoulders, arms, thighs all pressed together, although there’s plenty of space on the bench.

Isak takes the chance, and drops his head down onto Even’s shoulder. Almost immediately, as if he’d been expecting it, Even’s arm moves around him and pulls him in closer, squeezes him tight. Isak doesn’t think he’s ever felt safer than he does now. He feels safe enough to talk properly, he thinks.

“I’m sorry for being a wimp,” he starts, and he knows Even is smiling softly at him without looking. He isn’t sure how he knows, he just does.

“You’re not a wimp,” Even replies.

Isak takes a breath, and prepares his words. “But all the stuff with being… with being gay,” he starts, nervously. “And then i was fucking scared of your mental illness,” he spits out angry at himself, “even though it’s you that has to deal with it, but you’re still _you_ and you’re incredible - but I just was an asshole about it.” He takes a breath to stop himself rambling more. “I’m just sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dick.”

He doesn’t feel like that was a good enough apology, but Even lets out a huff of laughter, then holds him even tighter, and moves his hand down to Isak’s and links their fingers together. It’s not a cold evening - it’s not even dark yet, and it’s still quite a pleasant temperature, but warmth spreads through Isak like he’s never felt before when their fingers interlock.

“Mikael always says that one of my flaws is I’m too forgiving,” Even laughs softly. “But I don’t think I’d ever regret forgiving you.” Isak allows himself a smile, and Even continues, “you’re nowhere near the worst reaction anyway.”

Isak wrinkles his nose. “That sucks.”

“Why, did you want to be the worst?” Even teases.

Isak lifts his head and tries to shove Even lightly, fighting the smile on his face. He manages a little nudge, and then gives up, resting his head back down.

“We don’t have to talk about that now, anyway,” Even says, pulling isak back in. anyway. lets talk about… I don’t know. Space. Dogs. Pancakes. Something else.”

“Movies?” Isak asks him with a grin.

“Have I not exhausted you enough about that subject?” Even quirks an eyebrow.

Isak hums, then shakes his head. “I like hearing you talk about it. You get really excited. It’s cute,” he grins.

“Oh, you’re calling _me_ cute now?”

“What are you gonna do about it?”

There’s a moment’s pause, and then Even asks “are you ticklish?”

“No.” Isak tries to keep his voice steady as he answers, but he’s aware that Even will have felt his body tense at the word ‘ticklish’.

And then he jumps away from Even, faster than if he’d been burnt, and they’re acting like children again, carefree, wild, and getting out of breath far too fast for how little they run. Soon enough, they collapse, lying on their backs on the cold tarmac floor in the middle of the playground.

“I don’t like it when you run away from me,” Even says when they catch their breath. He’s laughing, and smiling, but through the lightness in his tone, he sounds vulnerable.

“I don’t like being tickled,” Isak says petulantly, but the _I don’t like running away from you_ is right behind it on his tongue, ready to spill out at any indication that Even needs it.

The older boy laughs again instead, sneaking a hand out to poke isak in the ribs, making him squeak in indignation and wriggle away.

“I promise I won’t tickle you again,” Even says sincerely, when Isak stops moving.

“I promise I won’t run away again,” Isak replies, turning his head to the side to smile at Even.

Even rolls over then, onto his front, closer to Isak, forearms resting gently on Isak’s chest, although his elbows are on the ground, taking his weight.

“Do you know what i just realised?”

“What?”

“We haven’t actually kissed yet.”

Isak wants to come up with a witty response, but all his brain supplies him with is a soft delayed, “yeah”, a lick of his lips, and a glance down at Even’s lips to see him doing the same.

Their eyes meet again, and Even starts to move down, towards Isak, before he stops and pulls back. Isak narrows his eyes, certain that he hadn’t given Even any signal to stop.

“The universe has given us a great opportunity,” Even declares loudly, sitting up and away from Isak, who makes a confused noise. “We can have the most epic first kiss ever.”

“Why?”

“So we can go down in history, like a movie kiss. It’ll be awesome, trust me,” Even grins, then pulls out his phone. Isak sits up too and sees Even move to the notes on his phone.

“You have a list of epic first kisses?” he asks Even, raising his eyebrows.

“Yep!”

“Of course you do.”

Even turns to him and flicks his eyebrows up, then turns back to his phone.

“Do you think there’s any swimming pools around here?” he asks, and Isak knows what he’s referring to immediately.

“No,” he says firmly, shaking his head. “I’m not breaking into anywhere, or diving in a pool with all my clothes on.”

“Who said you had to have your clothes on?”

Isak doesn’t justify this with an answer, although he feels his cheeks heat up. Even moves on to the next idea anyway.

“Got any plans to get on a plane any time soon? So I can run after you at the airport?”

“I thought we agreed no more running away?”

Even looks up from his phone and smiles widely. “Yeah, we did,” his voice sounds slightly softer, and Isak allows the moment to linger, before speaking.

“Can’t you just kiss me?”

Even ignores him.

“Have you destroyed any horcruxes recently?”

“Yeah, hundreds,” Isak is pretty convinced Even is past listening to him now, probably doesn’t even notice the sarcastic remark.

“Have any spaghetti?”

“What?”

“You know, like in Lady And The Tramp.”

“That’s the grossest idea you’ve ever had.”

Even thinks for a moment, then nods in agreement. “That’s true. Okay, have you been stabbed recently?”

Isak throws his hands up in disbelief. “I’m pretty close to stabbing you,” he retorts.

He’s joking, of course. The only thing he’d rather do than listen to Even’s excitement about first kisses, is actually kiss Even.

After a while of Even reeling off first kisses that they could have, Isak makes a decision, rolls his eyes fondly, and stands. He climbs up the mini-tower, sitting down on the ridged metal platform, and swinging his legs over the side. He’s getting impatient.

“Come here,” he tells Even, who does as he asks, smiling, a he stands just out of Isak’s reach in front of him. Isak grabs at his waist and pulls him to stand between his legs. “I have a better version of epic first kiss.” Even raises his eyebrows and gives a lopsided smile in question. “You just kiss me,” Isak finishes boldly.

“That doesn’t sound very epic.”

“It is, though,” Isak counters. “Think about it.”

Even doesn’t speak for a moment, eyes directed upwards, and eyebrows raised as he considers Isak’s words.

“Because, look,” Isak starts, trying to organise his thoughts. “Look where we are,” Even looks around, still not speaking, the soft smile on his lips waiting for Isak to continue. “It’s so peaceful. We’re in the middle of the city but it’s so quiet,” he knows he’s being sappy, but he’s not stopping now. “We could be the only people alive right now.”

“I can hear traffic,” Even teases, and Isak pouts , then sighs.

“Sometimes when I can’t sleep, I open my window and listen to traffic,” he admits quietly, glancing down. ”It’s my favourite sound.”

They’re silent for a moment, Isak suddenly too shy to meet Even’s gaze.

“Nah,” Even says, lightening the nervous atmosphere with a teasing “I’m not convinced.”

Isak thinks a bit more, because he needs to persuade Even. He needs to feel the press of their lips together, like he had before, but this time it’ll be real, no smoke, no interruptions. Just them.

“How do you know the universe wants us to make it an epic movie kiss?” Isak challenges. “How do you know it didn’t set us up for us to be here, together, just to kiss here, as we are. What makes a kiss epic anyway? Maybe its best to kiss when you want to kiss each other. Which I don’t know about you, but I’ve been wanting since the first day we met.

“On top of that,” Isak continues, trying to ignore Even’s reaction to his confession, “you’ve been wasting the last ten minutes, when we could have been _actually_ kissing, by _talking_ about kissing. Which is incredibly frustrating.”

Even’s smile grows, and Isak is pretty sure there’s pure adoration on both of their faces right now. They look at each other like that for a while, and then Isak speaks again, needing to convince Even more, because clearly it hasn’t worked yet.

“And I’ve realised that what makes a kiss ‘epic’ is that you have to kiss right now, or you’ll never be able to again, right?”

Even nods.

“So therefore,” Isak concludes with a grin, knowing he’s about to win. “If you don’t just kiss me, right now, I’m going home. Is that ‘epic’ en-?”

Even’s lips are on Isak’s before he can finish the question, and if Isak had thought that the world had slowed down in the kitchen earlier, he thinks that now it’s completely stopped, and it’s completely them.

Kissing is much better than shotgunning, Isak thinks. Not that this is his first kiss, but it feels like it is. It’s the first one with Even, and so it kind of feels like his first _everything_.

“Yeah,” Even breathes as they break apart slowly, “I think that was epic enough.”

***

**August, 2016**

Isak thinks he could be doing a neck workout from how much he’s shaken his head in the last five minutes.

“No, Even, We are not doing that.”

“Come on, baby, it’ll be fun!”

“No! I hate theme parks!”

“But it’s our origin story, Isak!”

“Yeah, and if we go back there, that’ll be my villain origin story.”

“We could recreate the whole day,” Even says ignoring Isak, who gives the biggest (and fondest) eyeroll he’s ever managed. “Make you third wheel, except, with different people, I guess,” he mutters, then continues, voice loud again, “and then you queue for a rollercoaster, and I’ll use my connections with Mikael’s dad to jump the queue and sit next to you-“

“You’ll what?”

Even stops talking finally, and looks at Isak in slight confusion. “Huh,” he says, as if he’s just realising something. “I never told you that?”

“No,” Isak replies, shaking his head in wonder. “You didn’t.”

“Oh,” Even pauses, “well, Mikael’s dad works at the theme park. He got us all free tickets, and then I saw you.”

“In the queue for the ride?”

“No, I saw you at the entrance in the morning,” Even smiles nostalgically, “and then I kept seeing you around the park, and i couldn’t stop thinking about you. So, when I saw you in the queue for the ride Mikael’s dad works on, I ditched my friends, and begged him to let me jump the queue.”

Isak doesn’t know what to say for a moment. “Woah.”

They gaze at each other for a moment, and Isak knows they’ve been together nearly a year now, but he doesn’t think he’ll ever tire of moments like these.

“More impressive than referring to the person sitting next to you as “angel” in your head, and then nearly throwing up on them,” Isak says eventually, laughing softly as he remembers.

Even’s smile widens. “I like that version too, though. It worked out well.”

 _Yeah,_ Isak thinks _, it worked out perfect._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhhhh what can i say?  
> thank you so so much for reading, and commenting, and kudosing, and message-on-tumblring! has been surreal!! and fabulous!! i love you all!!  
> if you wanna do more of that commenting and kudossing, its aways appreciated!! my tumblr is [here!](http://pansexualmahdidisi.tumblr.com) you'll mostly find me failing to stay out of Drama and having endless appreciation for mutta. would love to talk to new people on there! so hit me up if you'd like! (am so bad at keeping up friendsships though I'M SORRY)  
> anyway youre all fabuloso to the max  
> love always xxx


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